Singleness as a Calling

Some time ago, I listened to a sermon on the many ways one can serve and minister in their local church. As used to happen semi-regularly on a Sunday, I had my little niece sleeping on my lap and as I carried her out of church after the service, someone smiled and said, “Yours is a lap ministry.” This gave me two simultaneous reactions.

One? A smile and a “Well, shucks. I knew I had cushy thighs for a reason!” There have been few greater joys in my life than being able to snuggle my snoozing nieces and nephews.

The second? A sear of pain when I considered that my lap may never hold my own children.

This is not meant to say one reaction was right and one was wrong. This is simply just one small moment to illustrate what it is to experience grief and joy holding hands.

Though singleness encompasses many people in the church – the unmarried, the single parent, the widow, the widower – I daresay it is one of the topics that is preached on, or even talked about, the least. And it certainly isn’t one that brings a lot of encouragement, with many seeing singleness simply as a problem to be solved. It has many nuances, and while I believe the best space to talk about it is in personal conversation, that conversation will only happen if someone starts talking about it. I’m so thankful for the friends in my life who’ve had conversations about it with me, but over the course of many years and many comments from others, I’d be inclined to say that most single Christians do not have that. Thankfully, this is a topic I’ve learned to speak about somewhat freely, and I pray this will be an encouragement to those that struggle too.

I will also say that these are not the words of someone who has this all sorted. I am a work in progress, like all of us. This is coming from someone who still struggles through a lonely Sunday evening, who weeps over the passage of time, who grieves the thought of having to do the rest of life without a partner, and I’m sure I’m not alone there. Even so, there are a few things for us singles to remember.

The sovereignty of God First, we must remember who God is, particularly to His children. God’s character drives not only everything He does but it also gives us something unchanging and reliable to hold on to. He is kind, He is good, He provides what we need, He governs all things, His goal for us is that we would be more like Him (Ephesians 5:1), and He loves us. We also must remember what God is not – He is not cruel, He is not spiteful, He is not forgetful. God’s sovereignty is a picture of all these things. So, we must then conclude that our singleness is given out of His kindness and love, not out of cruelty or spite or because He’s forgotten us. We confess that “All things must serve to further my salvation.” (Hymn 64, Book of Praise/Lord’s Day 1). All things. This includes our marital status, whatever it may be. He is trustworthy, therefore His plan for us is also trustworthy. This is a truth we must daily remind ourselves of. 

Let me paint this picture: Recently, I moved to small-town BC after getting offered a job there. I talked about it with a few people, prayed about it, and considered if this was where the Lord was leading me. What most people saw was me thinking about logistics and opportunity, but what many didn’t see was me on my knees every day wondering if my moving to such a small town was God’s way of telling me to surrender this dream of mine. While I knew in my head that God’s sovereignty can & does work in any circumstance, this was something my heart had to, and still does, grapple with. I knew God was leading me to Smithers but I didn't like the idea of surrendering that dream to the Lord. What if He asks me to give it up? What if His answer is no? The sinner inside me wants to be able to control this outcome and I can’t. Yet, I also know that if I am faithful with what He has put in front of me now, He will bless that in some way. I’m still learning daily what it is to surrender this to Him. Time may give me the answer to what this all means, but even if it doesn’t, my job isn’t to know what will happen. My job is to act in faith, right now, and trust the Lord with it.

Trusting in the sovereignty of God doesn’t mean we should be passive. If we desire marriage, we should be intentional about by going out, meeting people, attending conferences, or organizing events. What it does mean, though, is that we can rest. We don’t need to go to every event “just in case”, or look our best 100% of the time, or put on a performance to ensure we’ve given the best first impression. I could move to BC trusting that that was where God was leading me and resting in His sovereignty over all my other fears. It is God who orders our lives, and it is He who ordains and governs each part. God isn’t asking us to give up our desire for marriage, He simply asks that we cling to Him in that desire.

One pastor put it this way: “In the future, He [God] will continue to draw and redraw the boundary lines the way that He wants, but He wants you to be faithful in the boundary lines that He has drawn now.” Psalm 16 confesses that these boundary lines are pleasant, a beautiful inheritance. How can we fully enjoy this inheritance if we are always longing to be on the other side of the boundary lines God’s given us?

Cultivating a thankful heart

“You will never find contentment in living for what you hope tomorrow will hold.” – Lydia Brownback

A truly thankful heart is one that is submissive to God’s will. In humility, we must be willing to joyfully accept the life God has called us to live. Cultivating a thankful heart takes work, time, and so much prayer. It’s not something that comes naturally to us sinners. Be intentional about thanking Him for the good things in your life. Thank Him for the time you can give in service to others, for the ability to be ready at the last minute should someone be in need, for the opportunity to open your home in ways that those with families cannot. Praise Him for this time you can spend devoted wholly to Him. Thank Him for your singleness! You might find that in daily bringing this before Him, you will come to see it as the gift it is. Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”. When we commit our ways to the Lord, the desires of our heart become what He desires for us – to live in fellowship with Him, to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. Have we offered our singleness to the Lord, to be used how He wishes?

We do need to be careful not to fall into the trap that says, “As soon as I’m content, God will give me what I want”. There is no 12-step program for you to complete in order to reach perfect contentment. Some days, I wish there was. Perhaps that was by God’s design though, that, as 1 Corinthians 7 describes, we are so consumed with the Lord that contentment becomes as natural as breathing. The most content people I know are not those without pain, they are those who are so committed to the Lord, so immersed in His Word, that His peace just shines in them. The enemy will find our weakness, target our discontentment and use it to drive us further from God. Don’t let him. A thankful heart clings to the things of this life loosely, not shaking our fists at God but holding out our open hands to Him and saying, “Thy will be done.” Don’t waste this time. Many of us will only have it for a short while; so “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5:15-16)

Using the good gift of singleness While marriage is the norm, God does not put marriage and singleness in competition with one another. They are two distinct, divine callings. As one pastor puts it, “Singleness should not be hijacked by exclusively thinking about marriage. Nor should marriage be consumed with thoughts of singleness. We need to give all to the present calling God has given us…. The Lord does not permit you to abandon your present calling and responsibilities by being consumed with anticipation of a future one.” Yes, singleness is a calling. A hard, lonely, often misunderstood calling… but it is good. Scripture speaks of it as a gift and we need to treat it as such. God doesn’t ask us to ignore the trials that come with it, or forget that it hurts, or deny that we’re struggling. What He does ask for though, is that we are faithful in it. How that is lived out will be different for everyone but one thing is constant: that it is done out of obedience and thankfulness.

Just the other day, I read a social media post about how “the church makes singles do x, y, and z because that’s all they need us for.” Perhaps churches do do this. But, what if, instead of moaning about being asked to do these things, we saw them as opportunities to use our singleness as a gift? We can’t complain about the church not including singles and, at the same time, get frustrated when they ask us to help with different functions. Our calling gives us the ability to serve and help in ways that married people or parents can’t. I’m not saying that we aren’t already busy – doing life by yourself is a lot! – but perhaps have a bit more flexibility with our busyness. I’m also not saying we should become people pleasers who say yes to everything; we ought to know good boundaries. But we must also beware of the victim mentality that so easily becomes the lens through which we see everything. If we dwell so much on what we don’t have, how easy it is for our hearts to become resentful, angry, envious, and bitter. When we wish for a life that is not ours, we are essentially telling God that His plan for our lives must be flawed.

Our churches need us. The people in our lives need us. As Christians, we are to live sacrificial lives and often that means we must do things when it’s hard. We serve when it hurts, love when it hurts, celebrate the joys of others when it hurts. Not because it makes us look holy and pious, but because our pain does not excuse us from living in fellowship with those God has put around us. There is such delight to be found in serving one another, in being hospitable, in being generous with our time, and in pouring ourselves out for others. The truth is we’re not all promised marriage, but all of us will experience singleness at some point in our lives. So, whatever our circumstance, make that meal, offer time and help to those who need it, serve on the usher or sound teams or church life committees. Help the overwhelmed parents by offering support in whatever way they need, visit the lonely and the elderly, and work to deepen the fellowship with the communion of saints. Put time and effort into the relationships that God puts in your path, sharing in each other’s joys, being vulnerable with one another, trusting each other to confess your sins to one another. Of course, we may not always be able to practice these things the way we’d like. Perhaps a living situation doesn’t allow for hosting, or tight finances make it hard to be as generous as we’d like. However, we mustn’t neglect the church by waiting for the perfect time. Our singleness is a gift and how we use it matters.

For the church

True fellowship goes both ways – the singles have their responsibilities as we’ve talked about, but the rest of the church does as well. The church must remember this: the singles are as vital to the body as the married people and children are. I read once that single people need to see godly marriages to remind them of the love between Christ and His bride, and married people need godly singles to remind them of the all-sufficiency of Christ. Talk to each other. Learn from each other. Break bread together and enjoy each other’s company. Build each other up and  encourage one another. No one circumstance is easier than another; we all have our own kind of “hard”.

Pastors, preach about the callings of marriage and parenthood, yes, but don’t just leave it at the one or two sentences for singles saying, “And this is for you too!” Preach on singleness. Exhort us on what it is to be a faithful single member in the church. Just as single people can learn from a sermon on marriage, so married people can learn from a sermon on singleness.

Try to avoid using language that makes marriage the goal. Our highest calling is not marriage, and our most important job is not raising children. Our highest calling is to glorify God, and our most important job is to obediently live out our calling, whatever it may be, worshipping our Lord wherever we are. God’s goal for us is not marriage or children; His goal for us is to become more like Him as we pilgrim toward eternity. We ought not to put our own limits on how an all-powerful God might do this.

Although it’s fun to have people try set me up on dates and it’s wonderful that people know and care about me enough to remember me in this way, the most encouraging thing I can remember hearing was when a mom at my church said to me, “It’s really such a gift how you minister to the kids and the teens in our church. I don’t think you realize just how important that is.” How much more joy could singles find in their calling if only the church talked about and encouraged them in it as highly as they encourage marriage and parenthood? (Quick aside: if you’re going to set someone up with another person, don’t just assume that “he’s single, she’s single, let’s introduce them.” Sometimes it works but try to be intentional and thoughtful about it, not acting without permission or chatting with those involved first.)

Conclusion

Let me finish by reiterating that this is in no way saying that you can’t grieve. John Piper has one of my favorite quotes on this where he says, “Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” Grief of any kind has a way of driving us to the Lord, to a Saviour who holds our tears and keeps count of our tossing (Psalm 56). As much as I can wish that I could be relieved of this grief and longing, I also know that it has nowhere to go but to my God. If I didn’t have that to drive me to Him, would I know what it is to surrender to Him? Perhaps one day, God will see fit to grant me a spouse and, if He does, I will know that, at that time, it is what will make my life bring Him the most glory. And if He doesn’t, He is still good. Right now, singleness is His calling for me. It is not second best, it is not inferior, it is not less important than the calling of those married or with children. In another recent sermon I heard, the pastor said, “We give our grievances to the Lord so we can continue to live.” Our grief needs its proper conclusion – where we can bring it to the Lord and say, “You are still good. You are my God and I will praise you.” His will is not that we wallow in self-pity. His will is that we give our pain to the Lord who sustains and live! So, I will grieve the life I so hoped for, and I will praise Him for the life I have – both the one here on earth and the one to come. And I hope you too will be encouraged to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.